


White Light Fades to Red

by writing_regen



Series: Holding The Universe Together Across My Shoulders [3]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: AND SHE DESERVES TO OPEN UP DAMMIT, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Sort Of, but she loves her fam, she hates sunsets, they remind her of a burning gallifrey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:20:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22870873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_regen/pseuds/writing_regen
Summary: And then she noticed the sky, starting to shift colors from the light blue sky.Burnt orange seeped across the blue like flames eating away at the innocence of childhood.She tasted ash on her tongue and stuck in her throat.𝘉𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘴𝘮𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘺 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘵. 𝘛𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘯.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Graham O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor & Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien & Ryan Sinclair
Series: Holding The Universe Together Across My Shoulders [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628440
Comments: 19
Kudos: 133





	White Light Fades to Red

**Author's Note:**

> the doctor hates sunsets and the fam all love each other like a fam and you can pry that from my cold dead hands

𝘞𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘧𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘢𝘴 𝘐 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘖𝘧 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘥…

Capaxarion Nine was a beautiful planet. Twin suns hung high in the sky when they landed on its surface, and a gentle breeze stirred the grass and trees. After… everything that had been happening to her fam recently, she felt she owed them a relaxing trip, not stained with the reds of blood and blues of sorrow.

So, Capaxarion Nine, at this point in its time, not yet industrialized and barely inhabited, a planet of untouched nature, known for its clear skies and untainted view of its four moons. And one of the best places in the Universe for a picnic and some games.

“So… we are actually going to get to eat this time, right? Because I pack sarnies almost every trip and never have the chance to eat them. And, no offense Doc, but you’re a disaster in the kitchen so I worked hard on this lot,” Graham’s voice sounded from just behind her as she stepped out of the TARDIS, old wicker basket swaying over her arm. 

“Yes, Graham. I promise you’ll actually get to relax this time. There’s nobody on this planet! Worst that’s going to happen is some curious little creatures might try and steal our lunch, same as on Earth. Scout’s honor.” She raised her right hand, and then paused, “Does that still count if I was never actually a scout? Or… was I once? I might’ve joined on accident. I join a lot of things accidentally - like the Illuminati! Now that’s a story…” 

As they continued their hike through the forests of the planet, she continued to fill in the silence around them. She hated the silence, left time for questions she couldn’t - or wouldn’t - answer. So she insisted she knew where she was going (she did - a nice little clearing just inside the forest - it’d just been a while since she’d visited) and jumping from story to story, from little tidbits about alien plant life too, yes, how she had found herself in the center of a modern Illuminati meeting. 

By the time they reached the clearing, the suns were hovering near the tree line, casting long shadows across their haven, flanked on one side by a small burbling brook and stirred by a warm breeze. It really was beautiful. She wondered why she didn’t try and visit more often. 

“Woah. Why’s the grass so red in here? Been normal everywhere else,” 

She stopped where she was working with Yaz to set up their little space and turned to Ryan, a little caught off-guard. She honestly hadn’t noticed. Now all three of them were looking at her with a mix of curiosity and wonder.

Crouching down, she plucked a blade of grass and inspected it closely, giving it a little sniff, “Partly because of the shadows from the trees… and partly because this right here is an iron deposit. Happens sometimes around here. Later, when this planet is colonized, it’ll probably become the center of a city of some sort. For now, just messes with the plants,” 

Red grasses and twin suns hanging over her head. 

𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘎𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘺

She shook her head and shot a smile towards her friends, her fam, “Gotta remind you it’s an alien planet somehow, don’t I?” 

“Think the two suns might be a bit of a giveaway,” Yaz pointed out as she settled on top of the large blanket.

The Doctor shrugged, “Maybe. Not all that rare though. Most stars are in a binary star system of some kind, you know,” 

While Graham had been getting things ready for them in the kitchen (and the Doctor had been “helping” by warning him about certain appliances and their oddities), Ryan and Yaz had taken it upon themselves to choose and create games and activities for the day. Graham was more than happy to sit back and watch as the trio dove and jumped around the clearing, all a bit uncoordinated in the face of a frisbee gone rogue on alien slipstreams. 

And the day passed that way. Laughter and exaggerated stories and stumbled footsteps. For the first time since she’d been on that plane, the smile that curled her lips and laughter that she huffed out between breaths felt genuine and right. She’d all but forgotten about the weight that shrouded her heart when she’d seen the red grass, too caught up in snorting about how the color looked stuck in Yaz’s hair from where she’d leapt for a ball a moment too late. 

And then she noticed the sky, starting to shift colors from the light blue sky. 

Burnt orange seeped across the blue like flames eating away at the innocence of childhood. 

She tasted ash on her tongue and stuck in her throat.

𝘉𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘴𝘮𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘺 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘵. 𝘛𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘯.

Distantly, she heard exclamations of wonder from her traveling companions at the vibrant colors above them.

Distantly, she was aware her breathing had picked up. 

But much more real to her, was seeing the flames of war sparkle off the shattered dome of the Citadel, seeing abandoned children’s toys strewn in the grass beneath her feet, the red once so vibrant stained darker by the blood of millions - then billions. Now it followed and stained her hands wherever she went, a Gallifrey saved was a Gallifrey lost once more.

All of it, overlaid in two different ways over the once tranquil skies left her reeling and suddenly quiet. Had she been in the middle of speaking? She couldn’t remember. Couldn’t breathe through the smoke in her lungs. 

Alone again. Alone in the Universe after fighting for her home. She fought for them in the war, fought to bring them back, all to be treated as a criminal and lose it all. 

Had any of it even been worth anything? She wasn’t sure anymore. 

Suddenly, she was aware of a hand on her shoulder, another on her forearm. She wasn’t sure when black had encroached her vision but it was hard to see too. Maybe that was better. 

“ - need to calm down,”

“She was fine a moment ago!”

“Anything can trigger a panic attack, Grandad,” 

“But what could it have been? Nothing happened,”

The words sounded like she was hearing them from underwater. Blinking several times, she was wrenched back into reality - to sunset on Capaxarion Nine - and three vaguely blurred figures hovering above her. 

"You've got to breathe with me, yeah?" Ryan. That was Ryan. 

She felt someone warm hands cup one of her own, and it was pressed against something solid. She felt a single heartbeat under her palm, a little faster than it should've been, but steady. She followed the line of the hands around her own to meet Ryan's gaze when he started to breathe in an exaggerated manner, Yaz and Graham on either side like they were worried she'd collapse. 

Hadn't she told them she had a respiratory bypass system? She didn't oxygen as much as they did. But it was almost subconscious that her breathing kicked back in under the close scrutiny. 

She hadn't known it had stopped. She wondered how long she'd been entirely holding her breath. Maybe they were right to be a touch concerned. 

It only added to the guilt swirling in her chest and her breath stuttered. They just wanted one relaxing day and she'd ruined that. 

"Hey, hey, stay with us, alright love?" Graham this time. 

Her gaze flickered over to him on her left, and he patted her shoulder with a soft smile. The feeling was surprisingly grounding. His eyes were warm and full of an almost parental concern. At another time the concept would've made her laugh, she was so old now. Instead, to her utter mortification, she found herself blinking back tears.

When was the last time anyone had looked at her like that? Long before she'd burned Gallifrey. Even before she'd left for the Academy. She'd never had the most loving of families at home. 

Something that sounded suspiciously like a sob escaped her lips and she bit her tongue to try and stop anything else following. 

"Hey, hey no it's alright," Other side. Yaz. Something squeezed her hand and she looked down to notice their hands were intertwined. "You're allowed to feel things around us, Doctor. We know you've been hurting. We can see what you look like when you think no one's lookin'," 

"Yeah, you're not as sneaky as you think you are, mate," 

She looked at all of them. Her fam. The whole lot of them. Her hand still curled in both of Ryan's and Yaz's intertwined with the other. Graham's hand on her shoulder. 

And took a deep breath, voice wavering and watery, "A very long time ago, I fought in the Universe's greatest war. And I lost everything, by my own hand. I watched it burn. Brought it back, just to watch it burn again. I don't think I've ever stopped fighting," 

A leap of faith. 

**Author's Note:**

> i am but a humble goblin giving us what the show wont: fam moments and emotional vulnerability


End file.
